cheapshitcondos.com

115 Aurora Ave N

Developer: Norcon/Sierra

Architect: gulag

You have now entered the Grey Zone.

Nouveau Cold War style. A block of severe housing for the people.

Don’t fret comrade, although the prices are not for mere proletariats. . .

There are some 345 sq ft. cheap seats at only $150,000.

View the grandeur of the citizenry on their dutiful way to work along the modern marvel of Highway 99. Check out the Ordinary Diet Cafeteria at the comrade quikee mart on the corner and throw back some vodka on your way to the Seattle Cleansing Department.

Na zdorovje!

P.S. Spot the only thing that’s not grey in this picture.

6960 California Ave SW

Developer: Gamel/Mastro

Architect: in hiding

It’s like the flagstone stairs and the orange awnings are leading somewhere else.

Maybe the building is in the witness protection program and not really two abysmally beige condo boxes.

We suspect under the sober facade is a fun land of fountains, gambling and speakeasies.

On the record, these luxurious flagstone stairs lead to a fine (somber) example of West Seattle’s “luxury condos” with units around $239,000.  OMG!?

6547 42nd Ave SW

Developer: Urban Seattle LLC

Architect: West Ventures LLC

Street View

Alley View

bland (blænd) – adjective, -er, -est.

1. lacking in special interest, liveliness, individuality, etc.; insipid; dull.

va·nil·la (və-nĭl’ə) – adjective

1. lacking adornments or special features; basic or ordinary.

vex (věks) tr.v. vex·ing

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

bum·mer (bŭm’ər) -adjective slang

1. Of poor, wretched, or miserable quality; worthless.

2. Disappointing; unpleasant.

We visited West Seattle. Good thing we had our pocket dictionary with us to get past our loss for words. Even the 1950s house next door looks stunned. Well, it is a lot of down-tempo green.

4309 34th Avenue W

Developer: James Paul Jones

Architect: James Paul Jones

Discover pale beige! Discover the bunker lifestyle!

We find this building a little martial and scary, and wonder if it goes underground for seven stories and is filled with nuclear secrets and code breakers working round the clock.

It also looks like a military pre-school.

They were going to have “T” for terrible in the front but they ran out of little windows.

1605 E Pike St.

Developer: unavailable

Architect: Weber + Thompson

Quality contemporary design.

See, it can be done.

You’d think it was rocket science . . .

Brix condominiums – 530 Broadway E

Developer: Schnitzer West / Architect: Mithun

Gallery condominiums – 2911 2nd Ave

Developer: Schnitzer West / Architect: Mithun

Twenty-Five on the Park condominiums, (unfinished) – 1800 11th Ave

Developer: The Dwelling Company / Arctitect : hiding

Auction Madness!! Bargain Insanity!! All Out Bidding War!!

So what went wrong here, developers? From super slick, pseudo-neighborhood ads to minimum wage, plastic auction arrows?

Boring? Overpriced? Speculation? Gambling addiction? Chicken bingo? Pull-tabs? Booze? What . . . ?

Still . . . we humbly admit to finding the exterior of these condos barely better than some of the high-larious atrocities the city is stuck with, i.e Veduta, Montage . . .

But, maybe it’s not the economy. Maybe we’re just not that into you.

752 Bellevue Ave E

Developer: Urban Seattle LLC

Architect: Urban Seattle LLC

It’s just amazing what you cannot do with paint and corrugated metal.

You cannot turn a 1950′s motel lowrise into “live urban.”

You cannot obscure the fact that what it really needs is a little swimming pool, an ice dispenser, a Coke machine and a sign promising free HBO.

It’s just amazing what you cannot buy for $299,950.

Pine and Belmont St.

Developer: Murray Franklin

How’s that Pike/Pine lifestyle working out for all of you?

By now, many of you know how this story goes.

Once there was a great historic block of bars, small shops and no Cingular, Subway sandwiches, Starbucks, suburban sprawl ugliness etc…

All was torn down to make way for condos for people to enjoy what was demolished. (Sigh.)

Now two years on and counting… (The developer must be waiting for the cheapshit condo market to rebound.)

We at CSC request that the city government climb out of the developers’ pockets to show some love to the neighborhood by requiring the developer to turn this space into an area for terrific public use.

We suggest that the developer provide an area where bands and free BBQ could be enjoyed on weekends. During the months of inclement weather a geodesic dome could provide shelter.

In addition, a portion of the area should be a p-patch garden.

The mayor’s number is: (206) 684-4000. His name is Greg and he’s waiting to hear from you.

1700 E. Madison St.
Developer: Ed Linardic
Architect: n/a

Occasionally we come across a building that is a rental, but is so ugly and poorly designed that we have to include it here.

Although, we suspect that it was intended to be a condominium, it’s not any more reasonable as a rental as some of these apartments rent for over $2000 a month. ‘cough, cough’

We guess that the developer was inspired to dumpster dive through the Trader Joe’s garbage next door and ferret away empty boxes and egg containers to use as building materials.

That is the only apparent explanation for the look of the exterior of this building.

According to some reviews of the building, the inside has fared no better.

3333 Wallingford Ave.

Developer: Pelar LLC

Architect: Curtis Beattie and Associates

We looked up what a Tavona is, or does, and found nothing. And no, it’s not Italian for The cutting edge of urban living.

We guess it just sounded like the right quasi European luxury condo name to give this project after running it through Condonamer 2.0.

We feel that to make this condo really stand out everyone who lives here should change their name to Tavona. It has a nice beige gender neutral sound that doesn’t offend anybody. Pets too.

Those garden nursery columns are really holding up the whole thing nicely.

It’s a good thing they are protected by a modern security feature of concrete barriers in front to prevent a disaster by keeping errant traffic from taking them out.

Also, if your friends live on the second floor above the columns you can knock on their floor if you don’t feel like using the buzzer.

John…, I mean Tavona, are you home?