500 Elliott Avenue
Developer: Equity Residential® Condominiums
Architect: witness protection program
Welcome to the Seattle accordion condos, the Residences at 500 Elliott.
This unmusical building lets out an ugly tone when you squeeze it, something like an emission and a cat screeching at the same time.
This might also be the largest “oops paint” building we’ve come across. May we suggest avoiding turquoise and salmon.
The name “Residences at 500 Elliot” strikes us as a bit misguided. We prefer “The Folds at 500 Elliot.”
Buyers: Retro gamers and your kids might like it. The street and building closely resemble the game Frogger.
Don’t get squished!
415 W. Republican St.
A hefty piece of the Death Star fell out of orbit to land in Queen Anne.
It narrowly missed the tiny house next door.
Now in Seattle, this building offers stern looking corrugated siding, and tough squinty windows for discerning members of the Galactic Empire. This substation boasts fetching interiors with a formidable array of turbolasers, tractor beams, trash compactors, as well as all manner of detention blocks and interrogation cells.
The building has easy, smooth walkways for convenient android access.
621 5th Ave. N
If a condo itself ever needed some Paxil to fend off the pervasive sense of “blah”, this might be a good candidate.
Although the owners might want some Prozac lying around when they have to pay their monthly mortgages.
These condos start at $270,000.
Hardwood composite tile floors are an extra $12,000. OMFG…
The motor-inn façade might one day lend itself to yet another conversion. Perhaps a motel, The Seranalodge.
You can check in anytime, but you can never leave.
17 W. Mercer St.
Is that front door a wormhole to Manhattan?
…Because I know this CANNOT be TriBeCa.
If it is a wormhole, I’m scoring a payday loan at the convenient Checks Cashed, having my bangs trimmed and getting a foot-long sub for the trip.
This is great, ’cause I hate to fly.
501 Roy St.
Diagnosis: Condo anemia with complications of stripmall signage.
Symptoms include: pale appearance, weariness, apathy, listlessness, susceptibility to aggressive stripmall signage.
If left untreated, further spread of signage rash and complete decrepitude.
Get well soon!
The new urban blandscape sweeping through Seattle