cheapshitcondos.com

900 Summit Ave E

OMG! We totally saw this cardboard and red rubberband building kit on Etsy. This must be the beginner’s building set.

We suggest one or two more giant rubberbands to keep the boxes from falling into the neighbor’s yard.

We do hope it is easy to move, maybe folds up for convenient shipping, because it was obviously delivered to the wrong address.

Buy this at auction and take it away. It’ll be your New Year’s gift to the neighborhood.

5220 42nd Ave. S.
Developer: 20th Century Development
Architect: n/a

This is a very depressing building.

Really, this looks like class C office space heavily sprayed with textured pancake make-up relabeled as a condominium. We feel like we’re going to hear a dental drill.

We would like to point out that at some time the vinyl sales flags and the plastic Christmas bunting will be removed. Take a good look at what will be left. (Can you hear the drill?)

But the upside is there’s a tour bus so you don’t have to stay home.

Advertising menace.
It will find you.

Coming . . .

and going . . .

523 Broadway Ave. E.

Developer: Essex Broadway LLC
Architect: Matt Driscoll*

Broadway’s going beige and soon to be renamed Belltown Hill.

Here’s one side of the new condos across the street from Brix, and what we have to look forward to in the future.

Yes, something needed to be built on the lot, but why for the LOVE OF GOD is it so ugly?

Must buildings get uglier as they get taller? The bottom is a basic brick and then comes the super chintzy siding in a hodgepodge of colors.

What would happen if it were even taller, each section uglier?

Year round plastic sheeting on the top floors?

Bud billboards, nail salons, LED reader boards?

I know! I know! Condo ads!

Much like the sad mobile ads on Broadway for some Columbia City condo gem. The only way to make a mobile business good, is to sell something delicious that fits through the window (not condos).

*”If you’re worried that Capitol Hill will become the next Belltown, fear not, Driscoll Architects are on the job.”

Yeah, right.

Second and Pine St.

Another resplendent condo project gone belly up. From a parking lot to a mega-hole, and back to a parking lot (soon). Will there be another hole?

Wouldn’t it be great if instead of reverting to a parking lot, we had a below grade zen garden or fabulous sculptures a la Olympic Sculpture Park?

So, the luxuriously snoozy condo project isn’t happening. Okay Seattle, now is the time to be interesting, world class interesting. What do we really want downtown?

Seems we’re not that interested in another pseudo-lux, shiny but common building.

In the interim, since reality TV is all the rage, we suggest the show, What Can You Get Down That Ramp?!!, and it’s sister show, What Can You Get Up That Ramp?!!

500 Elliott Avenue

Developer: Equity Residential^® Condominiums

Architect: witness protection program

Welcome to the Seattle accordion condos, the Residences at 500 Elliott.

This unmusical building lets out an ugly tone when you squeeze it, something like an emission and a cat screeching at the same time.

This might also be the largest “oops paint” building we’ve come across. May we suggest avoiding turquoise and salmon.

The name “Residences at 500 Elliot” strikes us as a bit misguided. We prefer “The Folds at 500 Elliot.”

Buyers: Retro gamers and your kids might like it. The street and building closely resemble the game Frogger.

Don’t get squished!

115 Aurora Ave N

Developer: Norcon/Sierra

Architect: gulag

You have now entered the Grey Zone.

Nouveau Cold War style. A block of severe housing for the people.

Don’t fret comrade, although the prices are not for mere proletariats. . .

There are some 345 sq ft. cheap seats at only $150,000.

View the grandeur of the citizenry on their dutiful way to work along the modern marvel of Highway 99. Check out the Ordinary Diet Cafeteria at the comrade quikee mart on the corner and throw back some vodka on your way to the Seattle Cleansing Department.

Na zdorovje!

P.S. Spot the only thing that’s not grey in this picture.

6960 California Ave SW

Developer: Gamel/Mastro

Architect: in hiding

It’s like the flagstone stairs and the orange awnings are leading somewhere else.

Maybe the building is in the witness protection program and not really two abysmally beige condo boxes.

We suspect under the sober facade is a fun land of fountains, gambling and speakeasies.

On the record, these luxurious flagstone stairs lead to a fine (somber) example of West Seattle’s “luxury condos” with units around $239,000.  OMG!?

6547 42nd Ave SW

Developer: Urban Seattle LLC

Architect: West Ventures LLC

Street View

Alley View

bland (blænd) – adjective, -er, -est.

1. lacking in special interest, liveliness, individuality, etc.; insipid; dull.

va·nil·la (və-nĭl’ə) – adjective

1. lacking adornments or special features; basic or ordinary.

vex (věks) tr.v. vex·ing

1. To annoy, as with petty importunities; bother.

2. To cause perplexity in; puzzle.

3. To bring distress or suffering to; plague or afflict.

bum·mer (bŭm’ər) -adjective slang

1. Of poor, wretched, or miserable quality; worthless.

2. Disappointing; unpleasant.

We visited West Seattle. Good thing we had our pocket dictionary with us to get past our loss for words. Even the 1950s house next door looks stunned. Well, it is a lot of down-tempo green.

4309 34th Avenue W

Developer: James Paul Jones

Architect: James Paul Jones

Discover pale beige! Discover the bunker lifestyle!

We find this building a little martial and scary, and wonder if it goes underground for seven stories and is filled with nuclear secrets and code breakers working round the clock.

It also looks like a military pre-school.

They were going to have “T” for terrible in the front but they ran out of little windows.

1605 E Pike St.

Developer: unavailable

Architect: Weber + Thompson

Quality contemporary design.

See, it can be done.

You’d think it was rocket science . . .