cheapshitcondos.com

4751 12th Avenue Northeast

Developer: Harbor Properties

Architect: Baylis Architects

Now that we are waiting for the cheapshit condo market to rebound, we have scrap ex-condo parts to make apartments.

Sadly, they look just like condos. Here we have a mixed up box of reject crayon colors.

Same flashy name, same flashy exteriors. There’s even a suicide jumper catcher at the bottom corner. It probably brought their insurance down. A penny saved is a penny earned in these times.

Was this made by the ADHD architect firm?

Yet again the trees are going to have to do all the work in beautifying/obfuscating the building.

1920 Fourth Avenue

Developer: Lexas Companies

Architect: Thoryk Architecture

Something-is-changing-at Escala-dot-com…could it be the ownership?

So when the bank owns your condo tower, do you get free checking? Just sayin’.

Do they have a basket of lollipops at the door and somebody waiting to ask us about our weekend?

I’m sure the views looking out are fantastic, but the views looking at, not so much. The glass tower plopped onto the faux Grecian Vegas facade is not the sort of enduring architecture dreams are made of. Design really can be better. Proof.

1315 1st Avenue

The menage à trois with the pressing condos is coming to an end.

Is it too much to ask that this building not be torn down?

We realize this is some seriously valuable air above waiting to be lego-ed in with a skinny condo or pop out neighbor expansion. Still, we vote for a slice of light and some historic personality. How about it Seattle? Don’t kill the little building, she holds many fond mammaries and great tails.

Sure, the developers want to fill that slot with a steel rod building. Not to put a kink in those plans, but we want to feel respected.

Come on DPD, stand firm, don’t let us down.

Bone Voyage!

337 Northeast 103rd Street
Developer: Stellar Holdings and Lorig Associates
Architect: Mithun

Is there a word for failing before you begin?

If that’s your investment strategy, buy here first.

‘Cause you will be the first.

We can’t image why there haven’t been flocks of takers with all that extra-terrestrial IUD yard art.

Maybe it’s time to rebrand the project.

May we suggest:

Tangerine Towers, Mall View Condos or Muted Heights.

210 Wall Street

Developer: Carpenter’s Tower LLC

Architect: in hiding

Local papers report:

Developer Surprised That Rock Bottom, Cheap-Assed Construction Doesn’t Last.

That’s right, so badly constructed, it’ll be torn down this year.

This tower of low standards and quick money was constructed in 2001 and is soon to be demolished. We at CSC hate to see people tossed out in the streets because their building is coming apart and hope everyone gets loads of compensation, free-packing services, kegs for moving day and a year’s worth of massage.

Cheapshitcondos is taking bets on the next building(s) to follow.

(A note to the builders: Waterproof grout is essential in Seattle.)

900 Summit Ave E

OMG! We totally saw this cardboard and red rubberband building kit on Etsy. This must be the beginner’s building set.

We suggest one or two more giant rubberbands to keep the boxes from falling into the neighbor’s yard.

We do hope it is easy to move, maybe folds up for convenient shipping, because it was obviously delivered to the wrong address.

Buy this at auction and take it away. It’ll be your New Year’s gift to the neighborhood.

5220 42nd Ave. S.
Developer: 20th Century Development
Architect: n/a

This is a very depressing building.

Really, this looks like class C office space heavily sprayed with textured pancake make-up relabeled as a condominium. We feel like we’re going to hear a dental drill.

We would like to point out that at some time the vinyl sales flags and the plastic Christmas bunting will be removed. Take a good look at what will be left. (Can you hear the drill?)

But the upside is there’s a tour bus so you don’t have to stay home.

Advertising menace.
It will find you.

Coming . . .

and going . . .

523 Broadway Ave. E.

Developer: Essex Broadway LLC
Architect: Matt Driscoll*

Broadway’s going beige and soon to be renamed Belltown Hill.

Here’s one side of the new condos across the street from Brix, and what we have to look forward to in the future.

Yes, something needed to be built on the lot, but why for the LOVE OF GOD is it so ugly?

Must buildings get uglier as they get taller? The bottom is a basic brick and then comes the super chintzy siding in a hodgepodge of colors.

What would happen if it were even taller, each section uglier?

Year round plastic sheeting on the top floors?

Bud billboards, nail salons, LED reader boards?

I know! I know! Condo ads!

Much like the sad mobile ads on Broadway for some Columbia City condo gem. The only way to make a mobile business good, is to sell something delicious that fits through the window (not condos).

*”If you’re worried that Capitol Hill will become the next Belltown, fear not, Driscoll Architects are on the job.”

Yeah, right.

Second and Pine St.

Another resplendent condo project gone belly up. From a parking lot to a mega-hole, and back to a parking lot (soon). Will there be another hole?

Wouldn’t it be great if instead of reverting to a parking lot, we had a below grade zen garden or fabulous sculptures a la Olympic Sculpture Park?

So, the luxuriously snoozy condo project isn’t happening. Okay Seattle, now is the time to be interesting, world class interesting. What do we really want downtown?

Seems we’re not that interested in another pseudo-lux, shiny but common building.

In the interim, since reality TV is all the rage, we suggest the show, What Can You Get Down That Ramp?!!, and it’s sister show, What Can You Get Up That Ramp?!!

500 Elliott Avenue

Developer: Equity Residential^® Condominiums

Architect: witness protection program

Welcome to the Seattle accordion condos, the Residences at 500 Elliott.

This unmusical building lets out an ugly tone when you squeeze it, something like an emission and a cat screeching at the same time.

This might also be the largest “oops paint” building we’ve come across. May we suggest avoiding turquoise and salmon.

The name “Residences at 500 Elliot” strikes us as a bit misguided. We prefer “The Folds at 500 Elliot.”

Buyers: Retro gamers and your kids might like it. The street and building closely resemble the game Frogger.

Don’t get squished!